Move your mind, Move your body, Move your soul.
Are you feeling the effects of the Full Moon in Cancer? I am. Big time.
All of the emotions rumbling right under the surface.
A big thing happened in my life today. I woke up and searched Vibe Guide: a feeling journal in my internet search engine. And boom! There it was. On Amazon.
Vibe Guide has been a labor of love. Times have felt long. There has been waiting, creating, red-lining, more waiting. The process has been a process.
And then - sharing with the world. All of a sudden - there it is! My heart out there in the wide open. For the whole world to see. To like, to not like. To buy. To try it out. It felt so incredibly vulnerable.
I expected joy. Jubilation. Elation. I felt all those things. I felt excited. Proud. And then about 4 hours in, I felt... PANIC. Literal panic. Like, putting my hand over my beating heart, audibly exhaling, childs' posing on the floor panic.
I put down my phone. I closed my laptop.
I brought my daughter to the plant store and we squealed in delight at the small succulents. We giggled over emojis and creating people out of emojis.
I took a walk through my favorite cemetery. I did some dishes. I talked to my hubs on the phone. I wrote. I doodled. I came back to me.
The Cancer Full Moon is watery. It reminds us to watch where our emotions point. And then we can choose what we do next. I am so grateful for this day, for the moon, for my joy, and for being human.
Is there a dark side to meditation? Can there be such a thing as too much meditating?!?
I had a curiosity the other day about conspiracy theories and meditators. I will admit, I am a little bit of both. I meditate regularly (although not as much as I used to) and I have a *healthy* dose of skepticism about life in general. Is one at all correlated with the other?
There have been spotlights shone on the fact that many in the (white) wellness industry have been "infiltrated" by Q Anon. There are platforms that were once dedicated to a better understanding of vaccines (what is in them, choice to receive) and now have leapt to the consitutionality of being asked/told to wear a mask.
When I was deep in my meditation practice, I went down a number of rabbit holes, seeking perspectives beyond my own thinking, seeking purpose, finding connections where connections may or may not exist. Why was this?
I noticed friends and celebs (or people with larger platforms/audiences than my own) starting to use my preferred language (around "light", "energy", "discernment", "living your truth") almost against me. The language was becoming radicalized, in my opinion. One prominent white woman in wellness even referred to her online community as the "radical light" instead of "radical right" - and one day she freudian slipped in saying the wrong phrase. I listened to a few more episodes. I felt off kilter and was told I must be experiencing cognitive dissonance (another big term in the trauma-wellness-conspiracy world).
Then I turned to the Brain.
I'm taking a neurobiology course for fun right now through Coursera. I love the brain. I am fascinated by how it works and impacts our perceptions, behaviors and reality. And so I wondered if there could be a biological connection between we women in wellness and our penchant for conspiracy theories. Now, I am at best an armchair dabbler. I am not an expert at all. This is totally just me trying to figure out a reason for this reality I find myself in. OK, caveats complete...
Studies demonstrate that meditation increases dopamine levels in the brain. Now, dopamine is awesome. One of it's jobs - is as the "reward" neurotransmitter. It's the feel good sensation we get after we do something with success, eat a cookie, or get a certain number of likes on our IG post. This article is a great discussion of how dopamine works in terms of rewards and also highlights the connection with dopamine and the identification of patterns. So it stands the reason that with the influx of dopamine, our brains might be hunting for more connections and patterns - potentially seeing patterns where they may not exist.
Once we think we see patterns, our confirmation bias continues to find data that supports that claim. Social media's algorithms work exactly this way. Giving us the information that we think we already know - fueling our beliefs (and keeping us online, and hopefully buying their stuff longer). In fact, in writing this piece at this very moment, I AM WORKING THIS WAY. I am reviewing articles to support my view. Damn.
As mentioned in all of these articles cited (and more), we are in the midst of a very uncertain time. "Uncertain times" breed more cults, disinformation, and conspiracy theories as we all try to make sense of our world. The more we are awash in this fear zone (even if we are actively working to be brave), the more our brain works to create patterns to make sense of our lives.
And here I am - doing the same - trying to make sense of it all.
Today is a new moon in Sagittarius. It's also a solar eclipse. And there is a Grand Square happening. Everything I've read tells me that this is a big one. I nice, cleansing re-set. Letting go of the stories + beliefs that are ready to be composted into new life.
I pulled the High Priestess today, just as I did yesterday. Remembering to listen to your heart. Remaining open + receptive. Allowing yourself to receive.
I wish this for the whole world, actually. To stay aligned with your highest aspirations. To stay open. To let in joy + gifts + signs from your loved ones. We are all going to be ok. Exhale.
My tarot pulls this week have been all about alignment and a review of the facets of my life to see where they are in or out of alignment.
Finances have also been coming up. This is no shocker, since it's the holiday season. I have also just finished paying off taxes from 2019, I am also in the process of self-publishing my Vibe Guide, kids need boots, etc, etc. Some seasons are big money suckers and December is one of those times for me.
In the spirit of alignment, I am looking at my relationship with money. And under the light of the trauma triangle. The triangle identifies three roles we play when we give our power away.
The role I play most in regards to money is the rescuer (sometimes martyr). I spend money on everyone and everything before my own needs + desires. Even the smallest things - clothes, my car registration, investment in myself through classes or buying an ISBN for my book! It feels hard to spend this money. And yet, when I am paying for others' needs + wants, I have an easier time. I don't seem to argue with myself about the worthiness of a purchase.
Why is this?
With all of my work on self-love, self-compassion, and self-kindness, it is now (finally?) moving into the realm of the material.
How do I treat myself? How do I invest in my growth? What value do I put on bringing beauty into my life? And what do I want that to look like? I'm working on aligning my vision of my highest + best and how that can be supported by the energy of money. As they say, when the student is ready, the lesson/teacher arrives. And this new re-write of mine is about worth in a whole different light.
You gotta feel it to heal it.