I had a conversation with a new friend (!!) this morning and we touched on an old topic: feeling like a fraud.

Feeling like we are entering into the world each day, putting on a mask. The ole' "fake it till ya make it" method of exuding confidence in the workplace/school/social scene (as she and I both did) and meanwhile, knowing in our minds that we had. No. Idea. What. We. Were. Doing.  Not completely true, but you know what I mean.

It reminded me of an article a former female boss had sent to me, which talks about how women tend to feel like frauds more often than men. And that this is in part because of how society has portrayed women in society, and specifically in the workplalce. This article, and another, from a UK outlet espouse that women need to "be themselves" and "speak up."

True. We need to be ourselves, but these articles assume that being ourselves will bring confidence. I think there is a layer deeper than that.

At my last corporate job, I wore my confidence like armor. I suited up each day. The confidence wasn't true - I didn't feel confident - I acted confident. And this is why I believe that I felt like a fraud. We like to put ourselves in boxes. Power bitch, bookworm, crybaby. I'm all of those things, sometimes all within one hour of the day. 

My own feelings of self-worth have been all tangled up with achievement, recognition, and love (or, fond feelings) from other people. When I do well, I feel well. When I hear "good job", I feel good. My sense of worthiness hinged on the accolades of my co-workers, parents, bosses, boyfriends, and friends. 

And in the workplace (among other venues), I knew that projecting confidence would lead to achievement.
(I did my homework.)

And it did. I achieved. I was promoted. I ran marathons. I revelled when others called me "a machine."  But it was armor. All of it. I thought that if I made it to that next thing, that next level, then I would feel... complete. Worthy. Loveable.

And all I felt was: tired.

I don't think "fake it till ya make it" works with confidence.

Now I believe that confidence - (the non-fraudulant-feeling-kind) comes from within. And it comes from loving ourselves. From shining light on to all of the parts of ourselves that we wish would stay hidden. Loving that power bitch AND the bookworm AND the crybaby (and maybe we don't call ourselves "crybaby". Or bitch, for that matter). Confidence that comes from looking on our stories, our choices, and our lives with compassion. 

​This shit is hard.

We are living in a culture of "not enough."
Not pretty enough.
Not smart enough.
Not skinny enough.
Not enough sleep.
Not enough time.
Not enough money.

So naturally, I'm wondering what's up with that?

When did it start?

Some may argue that it has always been.  I mean, look at Adam & Eve in the Garden. Talk about lacking from the very beginning! Our cultural foundations (myths and religions) have rooted us in a culture of deficiency. There was always a divide between gods and "mere" mortals.

While I recognize our underpinnings, I still felt called to search. ​Maybe it is because I hear so many folks (and the voice in my own head) thinking that they aren't enough. That "if only" fill in the blank, they would be happy. They would be ok. They would be loved. The would be worthy of love.

​My search led me in two different directions - or maybe hues of the same. The first concept being that of "self esteem" and the second being the beginning of emotional advertising.

A Short History of Self-Esteem

While the first mention of "self-esteem" was delivered in David Hume's Treatise of Human Nature, Vol 2 in the 18th century, the concept was further developed by William James in the late 1800s.

William James then explained the concept of self-esteem as a capacity to develop the self. He said that if one had low expectations and high degrees of success, the person would have higher self esteem than someone with high expectations/low success.

The Baby Boomer generation founded the self-esteem "movement" with leaders Stanley Coppersmith and Nathaniel Branden. In the 1980s, a Californian politician first blamed self-esteem for societal woes such as teenage pregnancy and crime.

In the last decade, researchers and psychologists have questioned whether America's obsession with self-esteem has resulted in increased narcissistic personality disorder and increased rates of depression among our youth.

Feel Good Advertising
While David Hume was waxing philosophical and the industrialization of America in full swing, packaging became "a thing". As a society, we were moving away from locally sourced and purchased items. In fact, 1879 brought us the "folding box" - for cereal!

Mass production meant, well, more products. A lot more. And the we needed to create demand.

And the themes and words used in order to promote demand was around our feelings.  

Feel BETTER with this soap, this clothing, this car.

​Better than.... what?

I think this is a big piece of the puzzle. Bigger than what? It was also during this time, remember, that we first got television. A chance to see how other families, moms, dads, professionals, pick-a-label got to live in the world.

​New definitions of achievement (part of the "self-esteem" equation) and needs (to improve our feelings) were sitting in our living rooms for the first time. Ever.

"Why don't we have what that family has?"

And subliminally, if not overtly we think, "She looks so relaxed. I want that."

Sometimes we don't get the things. Sometimes we do. And sometimes, we get the things, but we don't have the feelings we were trying to buy... What's wrong with me?

Not pretty enough.
Not smart enough.
Not skinny enough.
Not enough sleep.
Not enough time.
Not enough money.