My Latest Re-Write

Over the last 6 months, I have blogged multiple times about re-writing our stories. My most recent re-write (before this week) was around rejection. Changing my story around to be unconditional-love-centric.

A couple of weeks ago, I saw this video by Sonya Renee Taylor (love her).

She talks in the video about how we sometimes have these old stories that continue to block us from living our lives.

And then, the Marianne Williamson podcast crossed my path. Her most recent episode with Gabor Mate (love him).
I do believe that we draw in what we need to hear at the moment. We call in the messages we seek. Dr. Mate talked about, among other things, how our society is constantly looking for distraction, and for external forces to heal and internal “hole.” The hole in the context of this conversation was around trauma.
These elements, both listenings are integrating in me today. Because the story that I began to pull apart yesterday – th story that needs to be re-written for me – is around money.
The money thing has a long history for me. It started before me and before my parents. It started with poverty, with “outsider-ship” of non-english speaking immigrants. My father was the first in his family to go to college.

My parents struggled financially when they were young. My dad over-worked himself, often working 6 ½ days a week – my whole life. My parents did not talk about money when the kids were around. I’m not sure they talked about money when we weren’t around.

So since we didn’t talk about money, I didn’t learn about money from my parents. My parents taught me two things: 1. don't spend, and 2. save. Spending money definitely had shame and judgment attached. Spend on “smart” things, save for retirement, etc.

The Old Stories
I have stories that my parents think that I mis-manage money. That I don’t make enough, that I don’t know how to manage money. That I make bad decisions with my money.
Money is tied to my job, to my chosen profession. So I also have some stories around how I make money and whether or not that is “good” or “bad.” I receive messages from my family of origin that my profession is “bad” and that they would never work where I work. I carry guilt around the amount of money that I make for doing the work that I do.
I have a limiting belief that I could never make enough money doing what I love. I proved myself right when I owned a yoga studio for three years. A decision that I am still paying off, three years after we closed.
I hold stories about wealthy people that are negative, and yet – I want to be a wealthy person.
As I write these words, I realize there is so much to say here. So much unravelling to do. Sonya likened this to moving boxes in the closet. There are a lot of boxes to move.
 
Money Does Not Equal Worth
My money story is also very tightly wound with my worthiness story.  Am I worth investing in? Is this a "pipe dream"? Do I deserve new pants- or do I only deserve them once I lose 5 pounds? Is my work “worth” this paycheck? Is my contribution valuable? Am I trying to fill a hole with money?
From my parents’ saving lessons, I feel challenged when I spend money. But is there more to it? I am scared there won’t be enough money. I worry that I will mis-manage and not have enough to pay the bills. So there is a security/safety thing for me. If I have money I won’t be homeless and on the street. I will be accepted. I will be able to participate in life.

I went through all of the places (there may be more) where I feel my money hackles go up: clothes, education, luxury/vacation/rest, bill paying, saving, retirement.

I asked myself, Why?
 
The Re-Write
I am going to practice going point-by-point. Is this the “right way”? No idea.
Themes:

• You are worth the investment. In beautiful clothing, in education.
• Your life is worth the investment – that could mean a boat, a vacation.
• You get to choose what you invest in – and this can change
• There is no right or wrong way to use (or make) money.
• You are a survivor. You are resourceful and will find a way.
• You are being paid for your big brain and your ideas.

Do you have a story around money that needs re-writing?