On Feeling Like a Fraud...

I had a conversation with a new friend (!!) this morning and we touched on an old topic: feeling like a fraud.

Feeling like we are entering into the world each day, putting on a mask. The ole' "fake it till ya make it" method of exuding confidence in the workplace/school/social scene (as she and I both did) and meanwhile, knowing in our minds that we had. No. Idea. What. We. Were. Doing.  Not completely true, but you know what I mean.

It reminded me of an article a former female boss had sent to me, which talks about how women tend to feel like frauds more often than men. And that this is in part because of how society has portrayed women in society, and specifically in the workplalce. This article, and another, from a UK outlet espouse that women need to "be themselves" and "speak up."

True. We need to be ourselves, but these articles assume that being ourselves will bring confidence. I think there is a layer deeper than that.

At my last corporate job, I wore my confidence like armor. I suited up each day. The confidence wasn't true - I didn't feel confident - I acted confident. And this is why I believe that I felt like a fraud. We like to put ourselves in boxes. Power bitch, bookworm, crybaby. I'm all of those things, sometimes all within one hour of the day. 

My own feelings of self-worth have been all tangled up with achievement, recognition, and love (or, fond feelings) from other people. When I do well, I feel well. When I hear "good job", I feel good. My sense of worthiness hinged on the accolades of my co-workers, parents, bosses, boyfriends, and friends. 

And in the workplace (among other venues), I knew that projecting confidence would lead to achievement.
(I did my homework.)

And it did. I achieved. I was promoted. I ran marathons. I revelled when others called me "a machine."  But it was armor. All of it. I thought that if I made it to that next thing, that next level, then I would feel... complete. Worthy. Loveable.

And all I felt was: tired.

I don't think "fake it till ya make it" works with confidence.

Now I believe that confidence - (the non-fraudulant-feeling-kind) comes from within. And it comes from loving ourselves. From shining light on to all of the parts of ourselves that we wish would stay hidden. Loving that power bitch AND the bookworm AND the crybaby (and maybe we don't call ourselves "crybaby". Or bitch, for that matter). Confidence that comes from looking on our stories, our choices, and our lives with compassion. 

​This shit is hard.