Over the last 6 months, I have blogged multiple times about re-writing our stories. My most recent re-write (before this week) was around rejection. Changing my story around to be unconditional-love-centric.

A couple of weeks ago, I saw this video by Sonya Renee Taylor (love her).

She talks in the video about how we sometimes have these old stories that continue to block us from living our lives.

And then, the Marianne Williamson podcast crossed my path. Her most recent episode with Gabor Mate (love him).
I do believe that we draw in what we need to hear at the moment. We call in the messages we seek. Dr. Mate talked about, among other things, how our society is constantly looking for distraction, and for external forces to heal and internal “hole.” The hole in the context of this conversation was around trauma.
These elements, both listenings are integrating in me today. Because the story that I began to pull apart yesterday – th story that needs to be re-written for me – is around money.
The money thing has a long history for me. It started before me and before my parents. It started with poverty, with “outsider-ship” of non-english speaking immigrants. My father was the first in his family to go to college.

My parents struggled financially when they were young. My dad over-worked himself, often working 6 ½ days a week – my whole life. My parents did not talk about money when the kids were around. I’m not sure they talked about money when we weren’t around.

So since we didn’t talk about money, I didn’t learn about money from my parents. My parents taught me two things: 1. don't spend, and 2. save. Spending money definitely had shame and judgment attached. Spend on “smart” things, save for retirement, etc.

The Old Stories
I have stories that my parents think that I mis-manage money. That I don’t make enough, that I don’t know how to manage money. That I make bad decisions with my money.
Money is tied to my job, to my chosen profession. So I also have some stories around how I make money and whether or not that is “good” or “bad.” I receive messages from my family of origin that my profession is “bad” and that they would never work where I work. I carry guilt around the amount of money that I make for doing the work that I do.
I have a limiting belief that I could never make enough money doing what I love. I proved myself right when I owned a yoga studio for three years. A decision that I am still paying off, three years after we closed.
I hold stories about wealthy people that are negative, and yet – I want to be a wealthy person.
As I write these words, I realize there is so much to say here. So much unravelling to do. Sonya likened this to moving boxes in the closet. There are a lot of boxes to move.
 
Money Does Not Equal Worth
My money story is also very tightly wound with my worthiness story.  Am I worth investing in? Is this a "pipe dream"? Do I deserve new pants- or do I only deserve them once I lose 5 pounds? Is my work “worth” this paycheck? Is my contribution valuable? Am I trying to fill a hole with money?
From my parents’ saving lessons, I feel challenged when I spend money. But is there more to it? I am scared there won’t be enough money. I worry that I will mis-manage and not have enough to pay the bills. So there is a security/safety thing for me. If I have money I won’t be homeless and on the street. I will be accepted. I will be able to participate in life.

I went through all of the places (there may be more) where I feel my money hackles go up: clothes, education, luxury/vacation/rest, bill paying, saving, retirement.

I asked myself, Why?
 
The Re-Write
I am going to practice going point-by-point. Is this the “right way”? No idea.
Themes:

• You are worth the investment. In beautiful clothing, in education.
• Your life is worth the investment – that could mean a boat, a vacation.
• You get to choose what you invest in – and this can change
• There is no right or wrong way to use (or make) money.
• You are a survivor. You are resourceful and will find a way.
• You are being paid for your big brain and your ideas.

Do you have a story around money that needs re-writing?

There is a hilarious song running through my mind right now called "I've got hurt feelings" by Flight of the Conchords.

This is likely self-protection. Well, I'm going to get into it anyhow. Because I know I have to get. it. out.

My mom and I have had a challenging relationship over the years. It has gotten leaps and bounds better. And yet, sometimes she still really knows how to push my hurt button.

So yesterday, she felt called :) to tell me she thinks I should get trained in Functional Medicine. I took it as a compliment that she thinks I am a healer. So I hold that in my heart.

And then...

I expressed my true desire - to be a writer. To write books by the ocean, to make my money from writing and helping people heal.

She laughed. And then she said something about "Good luck getting that in your Santa Claus world!" And then she quickly switched to talking about something she is wishing for and how she basically shut herself down from that wish, realizing that she would have to work hard to get what she wished for. That wishes don't just happen.

When I first wrote the above paragraph, I wrote "She laughed at me." Because that is what it felt like. It felt like she was laughing at my dream. And shit! That hurts.

I spent much of the afternoon reminding myself that people respond to us in ways that they respond to themselves - which was so clearly the situation here. I also reminded myself that she is in her phases of healing too, and that the conversation wasn't all bad. Basically, I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't feeling hurt. Or that I didn't deserve/have the right to feel negatively about the interaction.

But it DID hurt. And it made me so freakin' angry. Because how DARE SHE squash my dreams down like that? Even at my age of 43.

Phew. Big audible exhale on that one.

Readers: Don't let anyone tell you  you can't do something. They are only talking to themselves. 

You know when you hear something in a new way? Or in an old way but you finally actually HEAR it? This "a-ha!" moment hit me right between the eyes the other day when I heard the term: "Trauma Re-enactment"

Perhaps it was because of a culmination of conversations, thoughts + activities. A friend was reeling from an old rejection story. I began to look at my own rejection story and to see the patterns and spider webs that cascaded from that story.

Was I continuing to seek out rejection? Creating the pattern again and again?

I realized - BAM - that the rejection story is not my story any more. I have found an incredible circle of friends. I have people who care about me, who reach out to say hello. I have created some beautiful relationships. I have tested being vulnerable and have opened my heart in a new way.

So I burned that old story. I wrote all the stories of rejection down - and then I burned them in the fire. Finally ready to let them go.

Then, I took out my pen and journal and I wrote a new story. A story of unconditional love and care. A story of resilience and not being loved "in spite of" who I am. But having that love ALL that I am. Coursing through all the parts that I thought were still broken, when of course - they never were. That's ridiculous. 

I know that life - and healing - is like a spiral. I know we come back around and around to similar stories and we have a new lens each time. I hope for my soul's sake, that I am getting closer to the full love of myself.

It's one of the biggest selling points for a new home, isn't it? People always talking about "the location". Proximity to water, to nightlife, to "good" schools, to ... (fill in the blank).

I love my home state - and we did lot's of adventuring through the summer. However, travelling is something I like to do. My job (pre-COVID) had me travelling about once a month - to new places and spaces. After a year of COVID-based travel restrictions, I am feeling the pangs of wanderlust.

I am a homebody, and I enjoy being at home. And yet, I have been feeling this strong desire to change my location.

I remember a friend marveling at how "that physical space meant so much to you" after the studio closed it's doors. I hadn't really thought about it that way before. That memory is coming to the fore today and I've been mulling this "location change" and "location attachment" around in my brain, body + felt experience.

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

Our first physical space, of course, is our body.

I went to do my same old walk this morning, and new things happened. First - no other walkers. No cars in the cemetery where normally the road in and out is packed with cars. Second, I realized I could change my location (body) by moving it differently.

So I ran.
Huh. It worked. I realized I was changing my physical position + temperature, which are elements of location.

What are other elements? Visual of course. Probably why I am drawn to Instagram + Pinterest. I love the images that "take me away".

How can we create the things that we want into our felt experience?

​I have a new idea. Stay Tuned.

It finally feels like the New Year, now that it's Monday. Back to work. Back to reality.
I did my best to intentionally close out 2020. I spent time thinking about the lessons, the gifts of the year, the things that needed letting go.

It's been a culmination. Seeing that my journal entries, my blogs have been circling around three things:

• Embracing + honoring my gifts/talents/contributions
• My relationship with money/resources/energy
• Releasing the scarcity/doubt mindset

All three, in actuality, are about changing my relationships - with myself, with others, and with the old stories (inner critic, unconscious blocks, etc).

I'm not ready for New Year's Intentions. Because I am still closing out my 2020. We are under a waning gibbous at the moment after all. This is a time for sharing, for releasing for preparing. For ending the moon cycle before the new moon on January 13. So I think I'll save my intentions until the 13th. I still have work to do to release and let go of the gigantic year we have just experienced.

Are you feeling the effects of the Full Moon in Cancer? I am. Big time.
All of the emotions rumbling right under the surface.
A big thing happened in my life today. I woke up and searched Vibe Guide: a feeling journal in my internet search engine. And boom! There it was. On Amazon.

Vibe Guide has been a labor of love. Times have felt long. There has been waiting, creating, red-lining, more waiting. The process has been a process.

And then - sharing with the world. All of a sudden - there it is! My heart out there in the wide open. For the whole world to see. To like, to not like. To buy. To try it out. It felt so incredibly vulnerable.

I expected joy. Jubilation. Elation. I felt all those things. I felt excited. Proud. And then about 4 hours in, I felt... PANIC. Literal panic. Like, putting my hand over my beating heart, audibly exhaling, childs' posing on the floor panic.

I put down my phone. I closed my laptop.

I brought my daughter to the plant store and we squealed in delight at the small succulents. We giggled over emojis and creating people out of emojis.

I took a walk through my favorite cemetery. I did some dishes. I talked to my hubs on the phone. I wrote. I doodled. I came back to me.

The Cancer Full Moon is watery. It reminds us to watch where our emotions point. And then we can choose what we do next. I am so grateful for this day, for the moon, for my joy, and for being human.

Is there a dark side to meditation? Can there be such a thing as too much meditating?!?

I had a curiosity the other day about conspiracy theories and meditators. I will admit, I am a little bit of both. I meditate regularly (although not as much as I used to) and I have a *healthy* dose of skepticism about life in general. Is one at all correlated with the other?

There have been spotlights shone on the fact that many in the (white) wellness industry have been "infiltrated" by Q Anon. There are platforms that were once dedicated to a better understanding of vaccines (what is in them, choice to receive) and now have leapt to the consitutionality of being asked/told to wear a mask.

When I was deep in my meditation practice, I went down a number of rabbit holes, seeking perspectives beyond my own thinking, seeking purpose, finding connections where connections may or may not exist. Why was this?

I noticed friends and celebs (or people with larger platforms/audiences than my own) starting to use my preferred language (around "light", "energy", "discernment", "living your truth") almost against me. The language was becoming radicalized, in my opinion. One prominent white woman in wellness even referred to her online community as the "radical light" instead of "radical right" - and one day she freudian slipped in saying the wrong phrase. I listened to a few more episodes. I felt off kilter and was told I must be experiencing cognitive dissonance (another big term in the trauma-wellness-conspiracy world).

 Then I turned to the Brain.

I'm taking a neurobiology course for fun right now through Coursera. I love the brain. I am fascinated by how it works and impacts our perceptions, behaviors and reality. And so I wondered if there could be a biological connection between we women in wellness and our penchant for conspiracy theories. Now, I am at best an armchair dabbler. I am not an expert at all. This is totally just me trying to figure out a reason for this reality I find myself in. OK, caveats complete...

Studies demonstrate that meditation increases dopamine levels in the brain.  Now, dopamine is awesome. One of it's jobs - is as the "reward" neurotransmitter. It's the feel good sensation we get after we do something with success, eat a cookie, or get a certain number of likes on our IG post. This article is a great discussion of how dopamine works in terms of rewards and also highlights the connection with dopamine and the identification of patterns. So it stands the reason that with the influx of dopamine, our brains might be hunting for more connections and patterns - potentially seeing patterns where they may not exist.

Once we think we see patterns, our confirmation bias continues to find data that supports that claim. Social media's algorithms work exactly this way. Giving us the information that we think we already know - fueling our beliefs (and keeping us online, and hopefully buying their stuff longer). In fact, in writing this piece at this very moment, I AM WORKING THIS WAY. I am reviewing articles to support my view. Damn.

As mentioned in all of these articles cited (and more), we are in the midst of a very uncertain time. "Uncertain times" breed more cults, disinformation, and conspiracy theories as we all try to make sense of our world. The more we are awash in this fear zone (even if we are actively working to be brave), the more our brain works to create patterns to make sense of our lives. 

And here I am - doing the same - trying to make sense of it all.

Today is a new moon in Sagittarius. It's also a solar eclipse. And there is a Grand Square happening. Everything I've read tells me that this is a big one. I nice, cleansing re-set. Letting go of the stories + beliefs that are ready to be composted into new life.

I pulled the High Priestess today, just as I did yesterday. Remembering to listen to your heart. Remaining open + receptive. Allowing yourself to receive.

I wish this for the whole world, actually. To stay aligned with your highest aspirations. To stay open. To let in joy + gifts + signs from your loved ones. We are all going to be ok. Exhale.