Silence is (Self-)Violence

I realize that this is my third post about silence this month. 

It has certainly been a theme in my life and something that I am working through this eclipse season to not only uncover and think about, but to ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING about. I am frustrated with myself and my silence. My hiding. Perhaps this frustration is my safe-word for "anger." And anger, as I have come to recognize, tends to highlight when a boundary has been crossed. 

The boundary is about self-love.

Hiding, for me, has been a strategy to stay safe. In my relationships, in my work, in my social life. If I am silent, no one will leave me. That's the thought. I am preventing my heart from abandonment. 

But the sad thing about closing off your heart is that it stays blocked both ways. When you try to protect your heart from pain, you also block the joy. Expressions of the heart are not necessarily love notes and kisses. Expressions of the heart can be any of your feelings. You can express your heart's truth with anger and sadness. When I hold back, I am holding all parts of myself back.

And this self-restraint is itself a self-abandonment. It's not my truth. How painfully ironic that I am silent because I am trying to save myself from abandonment, but that silence itself it self-abandonment.

​Insert brain explosion emoji here!

In my efforts towards action and feeling rather than thinking, here we go! Here are a few of the practices I am working on this month as I heal my abandonment wound:

• Befriend your inner child. You can do this with meditation and visualization. You can write letters. You can do "stream of conscious" writing and ask "how can I help" and then take those actions.
• Breathwork. Hand to heart, focused breathing. Imagine 6-sided breath. Imagine that you are breathing in and out through six sides of your heart (front, back, top, bottom, left, right).
• Body movement. For me, rocking is a soothing physical experience. As I rock, I remind myself that "I am safe. It is safe to come out." We have a hammock in my back yard and I am using it for this type of healing.

​Have any tips to share? I'll let you know how it goes!